Do you have ‘tricky people’ in your life?

We’ve all come across tricky people in our travels.  They are lurking everywhere actually – at your work, in your family, at parties and even in romantic relationships!  The tricky person in your life could even be you?  What if it is??

I invite you to read on!

I’ve owned this book for some time and the more I reference it, the more I know it to be true.  The book I’m referring to is “Tricky People”, authored by Andrew Fuller, Clinical Psychologist and Family Therapist.  I’ve actually had the privilege of hearing this guy speak in person – I honestly could have listened to him for the entire day (that didn’t get to happen, by the way!).

The book, Tricky People – How to deal with horrible types before they ruin your life, had lots of ‘aha’ moments for me.  I love how Andrew writes, it’s real and honest and has come from a wealth of experience.

The book is laid out really well – chapter one is the overview and the remaining chapters talk about the different types of tricky people.

The first chapter actually looks at our own strengths and vulnerabilities – and profiles whether we are ruled by the north, south, east or west.  Note: as self aware as you think you are, depending on the day and your frame of mind, this can slightly change your strengths and vulnerabilities. Interesting, huh?!

I really enjoyed that it is a book that doesn’t have to be read all at once and can be referred back to easily when you encounter said tricky people.

I know you’re wondering – in the ‘spotter’s guide section, Andrew classifies the groups of tricky people as:

Back-stabbers and White Anters

The Blamers and Whingers

The Bullies and Tyrants

The Controllers

The High and Mighties

The Avoiders

The Competitors

The Poor Communicators

Again with brutal honesty, the book even tackles if the tricky person is YOU!

I think you will find it to be such a great read – entertaining as well as helpful AND it is full of actual applicable skills to approach tricky people.

Go forth, recognise the tricky people in your life, and then get your hands on the book!!  And please do share your highlights, we love feedback!

No, they aren’t selfish!

Conflict can be so tough.  Any skills we can learn to help us deal with it would be beneficial, right?

The blog today is going to be talking about ‘I’ statements – as touched on the Facebook live earlier in the week – check out http://www.facebook.com/wellnessassist if you didn’t see it.

Firstly, we probably need to get this out of the way – ‘I’ statements aren’t selfish!  In fact, they are a really effective way to respectfully and effectively communication feelings.

They are though, just one way of getting your point across.  There are obviously others but I like these because they are simple but yet so powerful.

Just the power of recognising and labelling feelings is phenomenal.  If we can teach this to children and adolescents – we can help make sense of situations that may have previously perplexed them!  I know myself, when I can be specific about my own feelings, it is so much easier to work through them.  Ok, and maybe I’m a pros and cons list kind of girl – useful when you have time, but not so useful when you need to respond quickly!

I think one of their ‘features’, if you like, is that they are focused on solutions – and if you have ever been part of a really effective team, solutions are always a way to move forward!  Interestingly, most people often know what they want to happen when there is conflict – by using ‘I’ statements as a model just allows us to communication what we want.

Let me give you an example:

Your friend Robyn always cancels plans at the last minute.  The final straw was that she stood you up, leaving you standing outside a fancy restaurant.  You could choose to use an I statement…something like this…

Robyn, I feel like I’m not a priority when you keep cancelling plans.  It makes me feel so rejected!  Can you please not commit to plans unless you are sure you can make it and then we can keep having great times together.

Even typing that felt awkward!!  But you get the idea, simple but to the point and clearly using your own words.  It does take practice, but man, its liberating when you can get it sorted!

Choosing to actively deal with conflict and communicate using ‘I’ statements gives us confidence and I look forward to hearing how they go for you!  Feel free to connect to let me know how you find them!

 

What’s your default?

Let me ask you a question – truly, when was the last time you really thought about all the good things you admire about yourself?  Was it this week?  Last month?  Last year?  Or at worst, never, maybe you have never taken the time to notice the positive things about yourself??

Well today, if you do nothing else, I want you to sit down and be truly kind to yourself. And maybe it has to wait until everyone else is in bed for you to have five minutes alone, that’s ok, it won’t take long!

You are going to practice writing a list of (or at least start with one thing) that you wholeheartedly admire about yourself.  You will be kind to yourself in a way you would be to a valued friend, this is the practice of self-compassion.

Let me get things started – I love how determined I am once I set my mind to something. When I was a child, I imagine this was quite punishing for my family, but it has absolutely set me in good stead as an adult.  What’s the first thing on your list?  Maybe you can write five, or more? Do that now.

Ok, good, tell me you have something written, or at least is in your mind – the task for the coming week is to pick one of the things you admire and say this to yourself each day.  Repeat as often as you like.

So, to be fair, it might take more than a week, but there are a couple of good reasons to practice this:

  • we need to regularly practice being kind to ourselves (so when there a threats to our self-esteem, self-compassion, not self-criticism, is our default),
  • Even our minds need reminding how awesome we are sometimes AND
  • when we hear something enough, it changes the way we think about ourselves – and that itself, is really powerful!

Image result for self-compassion

Featured Image Source:  https://www.google.com.au/search?q=self-compassion&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwj_tarvkq7UAhUHW5QKHfnmChcQ_AUIBigB&biw=1366&bih=662#tbm=isch&q=self+compassion&imgrc=0_pS2RnnksMLBM:

Motivation is rubbish?

So, let me explain why I’ve boldly claimed that motivation is rubbish….

I’m going to use your car to further explain:

Relying on motivation is equivalent to having to connect the battery leads on your car each day, instead of just turning the key in the ignition to start the engine.  Turning the key to start your car is an act you undertake when you want to start your car each day, isn’t it?  It’s logical and automated, and you do it without much thought.   (Psst, this is how habits ‘are’ in a sustainably healthy life)

To be honest, I wouldn’t be sure HOW to connect the battery each day and to be more honest, I couldn’t be bothered? Could you?

Ok, I know some people would choose to do it for awhile, but could you keep doing it every day, knowing you needed to do it everyday to get anywhere??

Motivation usually comes in short bursts too – because change is desired.  Habits, on the other hand are a commitment to who you are growing to be.

You get in your car because you know why and where you are going.  Similarly, if your habits support your values, goals and your ‘why’, you will do them with ease.  What you do everyday matters!

Do you really think you would or could connect the leads before you leave home each day, forever?  As if it isn’t enough of a struggle to get to work on time, without having to think about which leads go on which battery terminal???

Does that make sense?  If we can make sustainably healthy habits something we do automatically without a thought, we have more time to focus on nurturing and choosing our marvellous life!

A little deep I know – but I thought it was an excellent comparison to highlight that what we do everyday matters!

Good health information can guide habits that change lives.

I ask you to try it!

Try starting a new positive habit – do it for a week to start with, if you love it, try committing to it for a month.  Review it after a month and see what’s different? Or if you would go back to not having it in your life.

Plan, do, review and change according to findings – know sustainable good health is a process!  Make the process a habit, and it will go a long way to helping you choose a marvellous life!

Have a great week!

 

Photo via <a href=”https://visualhunt.com/re/546f88″>Visual Hunt</a>

#importanthealthissuethatistoooftenignored

Ok, so I’m a few days late, I apologise, but last week was the International FASD Awareness Day…. I hope the image gave it away, its a day about raising awareness of Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders, or FASD.

Community events to mark FASD Awareness Day now take place around the world with communities traditionally pausing at 9.09am, the 9th minute of the 9th hour of the 9th day of the 9th month of the year, representing the 9 months of pregnancy. This time provides us with an opportunity to pause to reflect and consider the choice to have an alcohol free pregnancy and to share this prevention message across the world. 

Still I can hear some people confused and you could be forgiven – it isn’t by any means a ‘trending’ topic, but you know what, in my opinion, it should be.

By definition – Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders (FASD) is a term used for a spectrum of conditions caused by fetal alcohol exposure.

By experience, these conditions impact sufferers for a lifetime and cannot be cured.

Alcohol can cause damage to the unborn child at any time during pregnancy and the level of harm is dependent on the amount and frequency of alcohol use which may be moderated by factors such as intergenerational alcohol use, parent age and health of the mother (nutrition, tobacco use) and environmental factors like stress (exposure to violence, poverty).

The primary conditions common to FASD last a lifetime and may include the following which vary from person to person:

  • learning difficulties
  • impulsiveness
  • difficulty relating actions to consequences
  • difficulty with social relationships
  • attention/hyperactivity
  • memory problems
  • developmental delays
  • major organ damage

These conditions have been referred to as an ‘invisible disability’ as they often aren’t diagnosed or are overlooked.  And the number of health services that diagnose and manage these conditions in Australia are by no means adequate.

The main messages I want you to take away is that

  • there are people living in our community, who may or may not be diagnosed, but who are definitely show signs of the Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders.
  • No amount of alcohol is recommended as SAFE in pregnancy – the best way to avoid FASD is to NOT DRINK AT ALL WHILST PREGNANT.  And its not just the woman who is responsible – interestingly, studies have shown that the alcohol intake of the male partner can also have an effect on the sperm and therefore fetal development.
  • for more information on this often, though vitally important health topic, I encourage you to head to http://www.nofasd.org.au

And next time you think about encouraging a pregnant woman to ‘just have one drink’ – don’t!!  The effects can be much more long lasting than you once thought.